idk what this dog had been going through but same
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Not all heroes wear capes….
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.