I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“our sushi is very fresh”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Mission: Impossible
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK