My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”