my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester