I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.