People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?