sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
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Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?