Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship