PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate