[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
You Might Also Like
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.