“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-