Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”