Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me driving through Toronto
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.