DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home