I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi