“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i smell a pulitzer
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
They got Raph!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose