Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim