Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Imma just leave this here…………
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
handsome & gretel
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.