Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Ron is short for Aaronald
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them