[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?