my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
“no gods no masters” = leo