I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
How funny!
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean