Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]