When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’m being attacked 😭
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living