“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda