The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*