It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Whoa 😂
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that