Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Happy Halloween 🎃
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The dark side of Canada
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.