Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress