Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Well. That’s not a good sign.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.