*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️