When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Same post same
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire