Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
cyclists
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
channeling her this year
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.