You’ll be OK
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Cats are still liquid.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
It was worth a shot 😂
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.