“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
philosophical skeletons be like
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them