I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
a lot to unpack here
This cat wants you to take your pills
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.