I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous