NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me trying to “trust the process”