*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
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walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
What
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.