I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Finally
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
The glockness monster
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”