I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If a snake ate a cake
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck