[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
i can’t wait that long
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….