“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Why font matters.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!