My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr