Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
greetings!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.