I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul