William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Watermelon Boss!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”