Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.