Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND