Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.